Last year was a battle and I won. I’m still here. It felt like I reached a plateau of sorts, and I could either ascend or fall off the cliff. I think I’ve ascended. At a caterpillar’s pace, but I’ve inched up a little further.
A friend of mine wrote in her blog that forgiveness is the hardest thing to do. Here, here Stephanie, indeed it is. But in 2010 I’ve had to forgive my mother for dying (I know it sounds ridiculous, but don’t judge until you’re there- when you lose your mother you too will turn psychologically into a two year old who flies into a tantrum because your mommy left you), I had to forgive God for allowing her to find her deathbed at 62, and I’ve had to forgive myself for hating all of the above including myself. This trifecta can be the hardest-of-hards for a woman to forgive: your mother, God and yourself.
But God’s timing (or the universe’s timing, or divine timing for all you new agers and reluctant-believers out there) is indeed perfect and it’s impossible to realize it until the smoke clears. It took me a full year, a year to the day of my mother’s death to come to terms with everything. To really come to terms and not just offering lip service so everyone around me feels better. My faith was tested by fire, or the threat of fire and brimstone I should say. It was tested by the possibility of no heaven, no God, that we’ve all been fed a whole bunch of lies and that none of it’s true. The possibility that a 6 foot hole really is the end and there’s nothing after that.
My sanity was tested by my emotional responses to everything. Have you ever listened to a child cry, noticing that it’s a mind, body and soul experience for them and wonder why you can’t cry like that anymore? I often did, when I would look at my daughter in the throes of despair over some toy or another, and wonder what it was like to feel so intensely. Hopefully, the majority of adults won’t get their reminder through the loss of a loved one, but I did. I have been overwhelmed by my emotions before, specifically anger, which is more like a tinder fire, that burns really brightly but because there’s nothing real underneath it, it extinguishes quickly and just leaves powdery white ashes behind as a reminder. Grief, true grief, is like a tsunami: washing over you, so much bigger and stronger than your puny human frame, with an undercurrent that will take you out in the middle of nowhere and leave you there until someone finds you. You’re held captive by your sobs, deep and guttural, paralyzing you where you sit, blinded by your own tears to the shore of “life goes on” that offers respite…if you could just get there and remember that it is there in the meantime.
And then there’s your own shit. That’s like a mudslide; right after you cleaned your house. Imagine getting your house pristine, perfectly clean down to the baseboards. You’re waiting for your guests, Happiness, Peace and Life. The table’s set, candles lit, wine chilled. And all of a sudden you feel a rumbling under your feet. It grows louder until your whole house is shaking. You look out the window and see that coming directly toward your house, is a landslide rolling off your own bullshit mountain. All you can do is get out of your house and watch how your bullshit destroys your own plans. That’s what trying to fast forward through life’s epic moments does.
But there were so many moments in between that offered solace, and I can only attribute them to God. Dreams, nature, and people all giving me answers either knowingly or unknowingly. But on Friday December 10, I sat down home alone on the couch after trying to stay busy all day…trying not to give myself anytime to think, or remember. But regardless I did and my eyes landed on a framed picture of my mother and me taken on Christmas morning 2005. As soon as tears began to sting the back of my eyes, the phone rang. It was my mom’s best friend calling to see how I was, and if I needed anything. Then, immediately after, another call. My daughter’s Nanna, calling for the same reason. Both callers didn’t remember the anniversary and I chose not to remind them. And when I hung up the phone nearly an hour later, my interrupted grief was transmuted by their love and concern into immense gratitude. Not to sound gay, but a little voice did tell me quite clearly, “You lack nothing”. I had lost my birth mother, and she remains irreplaceable, but I still have so many earth mothers in her stead. Faith tempered with moments of angry disbelief taught me beyond doubt that I have a Creator, a Father, who mind-bogglingly cares about the minutiae of my life. And then yeah, I started to cry, but for an entirely different reason. In this moment of clarity, I was able to forgive myself-really, truly, honestly, forgive myself like I would a loved one because I realized that most of my life I haven’t had a bloody clue. And that’s always a good moment in movies right? When the know-it-all gets checked by life?
And I guess it’s almost cliché that it happened in the twilight of my twenties. Isn’t that how all the celebrities say it goes? Your twenties are the most agonizing, heart-wrenching decade and then all of a sudden you have some enlightened epiphany on the eve of your thirtieth birthday? Well I’m not there yet, but I have a quarter of a year to go before the floodgates of the magical thirtieth year open and perhaps because of 2010 and all its humbuggery, I no longer fear it (and fear it I did: my last birthday was my “fourth annual 25th” and to those who didn’t know and had the courage to ask, my automatic response to “How old are you?” was a pointed and interrogative “How old do I look?”).
So even though it’s January 2nd, even though it’s a Sunday and most suckers have to go to work tomorrow, I will raise a glass tonight as my own personal farewell to 2010. Good riddance to the trials and tribulations, lessons and legalities of life. I’ve had enough thank you. It’s time to live, laugh and play! Here’s to 2011, a master number of a year that by default alone HAS to bring bigger and better things, but by faith and love will bring more than could be imagined. Salud!